You Can’t Force An Ocean Into A Bottle #BOAW2017 #girlboner #woman

Posted by: on Mar 6, 2017 | 17 Comments
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The-Beauty-of-a-Woman-BlogFest-V1-2-768x768This post is part of the Beauty of a Woman BlogFest VI! To read more entries, and potentially win a fun prize, visit the fest page on August’s McLaughlin’s site between today and 11pm PST March 11th.

So, I’ve been having some difficulties with calling myself “woman”, recently. It’s not that I’m not a feminist or that I’m ashamed of being female. Far from it. Having been on a journey with my partner who came out as transgender almost two years ago now, I’m just finding it hard to know who I am in terms of gender. Jake’s transition was so courageous and deep that it made me view myself from a new angle.

That angle made me gasp.

In a recent post on a beautiful story called “On Some Maps, But Not on Others” by Annabeth Leong (in Best Women’s Erotica of the Year, Volume 2, ed. Rachel Kramer Bussel), I said that “gender often feels like a bottle that I was forced into, when really I’m part of an unending sea.”

Yes, in terms of gender, I’m an ocean. But I think my female identity is part of that ocean. Perhaps I am a woman … and someone else. As folks who read my #BOAW16 post know, I have worn a mustache during sex, not to mention a rather studly tie — oh, and lipstick, as it happens, at the same time. I also love wearing a slinky nightdress. I love to don a silicone cock. All these expressions feel like me.

So perhaps I am a woman in the middle of an ocean. I always did call myself a mermaid. And you can’t take a mermaid from her ocean, can you?

In Mirages, my hero Anaïs Nin, who was also a mermaid, writes, “I am not writing for the elite, but for the confused ones. I would like to have the Encyclopedia Britannica. I need it now. I want facts and concrete images, earth, science, body. Everything made flesh, everything a story, everything animated and dramatized.” Beautiful! I am one of the confused ones. And like so many of her fans, her children, I always did feel Anais Nin was writing for me.

Confused as I am, I can see everything is indeed a story, just like Anaïs Nin says. Even the parts of us that we believe are simply facts — leg, belly, cunt, cock — are part of a story, a bigger, wider story. We tell those stories when we say, “This is female,” or “This is not sexual,” or “This is only sexual,” or “This looks female,” or “This does not look female.”

There’s always magic when we remove the either/or.

In Mirages, Anaïs Nin also writes, “Stories, stories, the only enchantment possible, for when we begin to see our suffering as a story, we are saved.”

Check out my latest, inspired by our current political situation.

Yes, yes, yes! From confusion and lostness, I will make stories. (In Maddie Aflame! I write about a giant, swallowing mansion that is sentient and sexual, and has no gender. What a comfort that story has been!) And I’ll make stories of my gender too. I’ll say my gender is a butterfly, a flying saucer, a stream of laughing bubbles, a spreading oak. Sounds magical, doesn’t it? And sometimes I will wear a cock and call myself a woman. And sometimes I’ll wear nothing and choose a different word.

But always, always, I will call myself an ocean.

And I think that, as an ocean, I’m beautiful.

What is the story of your own gender? If, like an ocean, it had no constraints, what would it be? Feel free to tweet me your thoughts at @foxlana tagging #BOAW2017 — I’d love to hear them!

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17 Comments

  1. The Beauty of a Woman BlogFest VI! - Girl Boner®
    March 6, 2017

    […] Lana Fox: You Can’t Force an Ocean into a Bottle […]

    Reply
  2. Stacey Herrera
    March 6, 2017

    So beautiful. I will call myself an ocean too. There is more than one drop in an ocean. And the ocean produces more than one color, on more than one kind of beach.

    Brilliant! Thank you for sharing your story, your heart, and for being beautifully vulnerable.

    I’m visiting from the blog fest… as a voyeur and a writer! <3

    Reply
    • lanafox
      March 7, 2017

      Stacey, thanks so much! You wrote, “There is more than one drop in an ocean. And the ocean produces more than one color, on more than one kind of beach.” That is simply gorgeous! I appreciate you and your kindness so much and will be looking up your own post soon!

      Reply
  3. Laura
    March 6, 2017

    “There’s always magic when we remove the either/or.” YES! Thank you for this!

    Reply
    • lanafox
      March 7, 2017

      Thank you, Laura! I appreciate that very much!

      Reply
  4. Eunice
    March 6, 2017

    Ahh, Lana, I love this! As a society, we seem to have tied gender to sexuality so definitively, it’s frustrating. Two of my neighbors are transgender, one just barely coming out and the other started the transition about 5 years ago – at the age of 75. She was talking to me about her ex wife, who keeps hoping that “the transgender thing is just a demon that needs to be exorcised.”

    Then she shared with me this same feeling of identifying as a woman, but still not feeling like that was right. She said that although she now identifies as a woman, she’s still attracted to women (to which I joked, see? you’ve always been a lesbian! which she found hilarious).

    Anyway. We are all an ocean, a part of it that is inseparable from the rest. Labels don’t make that any less true, so let’s just ditch the labels and enjoy our beauty for what it is.

    Reply
    • lanafox
      March 7, 2017

      Eunice, thank you so much for this wonderful comment! I appreciate you so much. Your words are truly wise and kind, and I bet your neighbors appreciate you deeply! It is so hard for transgender folks who are rejected when they so courageously come out, and I’m grateful to you for being such a loving ally to your friend. You wrote, “Let’s just ditch the labels and enjoy our beauty for what it is,” and that’s beautiful! I agree. Thank you again!

      Reply
  5. Aurora Jean Alexander
    March 7, 2017

    I read your post with interest, but have to admit, I had a hard time sensing your questioning your own gender. I’m sorry… it’s just so far outside any experience range that it’s hard to take in.

    But nevertheless I like your post. You being you, as a butterfly, as an ocean, and seeing yourself as beautiful, no matter what you are or how you feel, this is true strength.

    Reply
    • lanafox
      March 7, 2017

      Thanks, Aurora! I don’t think we have to be able to sense our way into one another’s experiences in order to understand that those differences are precious. I am grateful for your comment!

      Reply
  6. August McLaughlin
    March 7, 2017

    This is gorgeous, Lana! Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

    Reply
    • lanafox
      March 7, 2017

      Thank you so much, August! That means a great deal to me! And thanks a million for organizing the #BOAW2017 blogfest, which is always so wonderful!

      Reply
  7. Shan Jeniah Burton
    March 7, 2017

    It was only a year or two ago that I realized that the name we gave our daughter, Annalise, is an echo of Anais, more easily fit to an American tongue and ear.

    I am woman, definititively; and I have great appreciation for the beauty of oceans. I think we need more of the freedom of the undefined in our reality, the amorphous and unnamed, the mystery.

    If, as a society, we’d stop labeling this way “right” and that way “wrong”; there’d be room for the men, the women, the oceans, the forests and mountains and sexual genderless mansions that swallow people (I’m so going to dream about that tonight!).

    As a radically unschooling parent, I’ve let go of a tremendous number of “either/or’s” in my life, and I really haven’t missed them.

    May you continue to pour out, unbottled, free to ride your tides through whatever is right, right now.

    Reply
    • lanafox
      March 7, 2017

      Thank you so much, Shan Jeniah! I am truly touched by your words. Thank you for receiving me so fully and expressing those wonderful truths so perfectly. I so appreciate it!

      Reply
  8. Kimberly
    March 8, 2017

    Beautiful. I will call myself an ocean too. It feels very freeing and soothing. Thank you for bravely sharing your heart!

    Reply
    • lanafox
      March 10, 2017

      Thank you so much, Kimberly! It’s very kind of you to be so warm and embracing. I’m glad you will call yourself an ocean too!

      Reply
  9. Kitt Crescendo
    March 10, 2017

    I love you, fluid sexual path and all.

    You know, it’s kind of funny… your post got me reminiscing about when one of my best friends got pregnant. She used to say she was having a mermaid because her little one was swimming safely in her amniotic fluid. This had her professing to be a mer-mom, which led to speculations about how mermaids had sex. It strikes me as a bit pertinent to your journey as there is no overtly obvious sex organ on a mermaid or man, but somehow it must happen in some unique special way I may not readily or easily be able to comprehend. But it doesn’t make the journey any less beautiful or mesmerizing.

    Reply
    • lanafox
      March 10, 2017

      I love you too, Kitt, and was so delighted to see you here! Thank you for your delightful, embracing comment. How lovely of you to share the story of your friend, the mer-mom. I can profess, without giving away too much, that being in a non-normative relationship like mine/ours teaches you a great deal about what is “male” or “female” in terms of the sexual body. And yes, I am sure that you are right — mermaids have sex too, and that is beautiful, I just know it! (I actually wrote mermaid sex scenes in my Johnny the Brave series! https://www.amazon.com/Johnny-Brave-Gentle-Mermaid-Romance-ebook/dp/B013IPB1LK/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1489158822&sr=8-2&keywords=johnny+the+brave+lana+fox) Folks like yourself are very special — folks who accept that all our differences are beautiful. Thank you again for stopping by! So lovely to see you.

      Reply

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