Why I Wear a Mustache During Sex #GirlBoner #BOAW16

Posted by: on May 2, 2016 | 19 Comments
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This post is part of the Beauty of a Woman Blogfest run by the delightful and talented August McGlaughlin. Check out the official blogfest page to read other posts and enter to win some fabulous prizes. Picture credit: “Watercolor beautiful girl. Vector illustration of woman beauty salon.”

Why do I wear a mustache during sex? Because I’m playing with gender. Because I’m being me. And because I’m also being Steve-O Bing.

When my partner Jacob came out as transgender last year, I didn’t realize how deeply it would affect my own identity — I was simply too focused on helping him live his truth. But my own gender identity started to shift, and it continues to do so. As our therapist so wisely told us, “Coming out as trans can queer the whole family.”

How true! Never have the words, “Hello ladies!” hurt me more deeply. Never have gendered bathrooms filled me with such dread. Never has the quest for a vacation destination been so limiting — safety must always come first. Yes, since Jake came out I have written letters to supermarket chains asking them to train or retrain their staff to use gender-neutral language; I’ve interrupted conversations to say, “Actually, that’s not the right pronoun…”; I’ve told accountants, “My partner is trans,” and I’ve told phonelines, “Actually, he’s down under a different name.” I’ve shed tears and kissed tears away.

Above all, I’ve felt profoundly proud of the man I love so deeply.

But other things have happened too. I cut my hair short! I bought a neck-tie! I developed a complex relationship with lipstick! I’m attracted — wildly attracted — to a man, which means I’ve started to identify as pansexual. The term “gender non-conforming” feels comfortable to me, and yet sometimes I wonder if I’ve “earned” it enough, as if I don’t have the right to call myself that, as if my cisgender existence won’t permit it. On the Go Deeper Press website (the erotic press I co-run with Jacob) we proudly proclaim that we don’t police identity, yet I seem, bizarrely, to be policing my own.

Buy Cream from Amazon, B&N, or Go Deeper Press

Interested in my erotica? Buy Cream from Amazon, B&N, or Go Deeper Press.

Sometimes I kneel on the bed and cry, wondering why in the world people say, “Oh isn’t that just like a man?” or “We girls have to stick together!” or “Men are one way, women are the other.” Mars? Venus? There are many planets out there — probably more than we can count.

But often these days, I feel more wonderful than ever. And sometimes, when I feel that way, I’m wearing a mustache.

“Listen,” I said to Jake one day. “I realize you’re changing, our sex life is changing, and your identity is changing. If that means your attractions or fantasies shift too, let me know, okay?”

It was a scary thing to say because I realized he might say, “Actually, yes.”

And in some ways, he did.

Jacob held me tight and did the brave thing, as he has so often done over the past months. He said that yes, his fantasies were changing. He still wanted me as much as before, but he also felt attracted towards guys. It wasn’t that he wanted to fall for a guy or have a relationship with a guy, or even go off and have sex with a guy. But guys were appealing to him — more than that: sex with another man for pleasure intrigued him.

So we talked. We hugged. We talked some more.

And that’s how Steve-O Bing was born.

Steve-O Bing is a happily married Brit who loves football and canned beer. (That way, I make the most of my British accent!) He adores his wife Glenda, but he can only truly relax when he’s “hanging with the lads,” because it’s a “mental thing,” a “relaxation thing” — this he can’t stress enough. He’s a laugh a minute. Football trumps all else. He has sex while keeping half-an-eye on the game. His wife doesn’t know he has sex with others, but Steve-O doesn’t really consider what he has with the lads as sex. For Steve-O, he and his boy lovers are “just mates.” And did I mention he has a mustache?

No, I’m not posting a picture! But you get the idea.

41cplfBW3gL._SX310_BO1,204,203,200_And you know what? It’s liberating! Steve-O doesn’t have my politics at all. He’s all about the gender binary — he lives it and loves it and rarely thinks outside of it. And he can’t get enough of my partner. They’re crazy about each other in a very physical, macho kind of way — a way “the girls just can’t understand” according to Steve-O Bing.

It’s drama, of course. Pure play. I delight in it. So does my partner. It’s a dream we get to share and it opens us to each other. It lets us take this world that is so attached to gender roles and mash it up and stick it in a bucket and use it to paint rainbows.

Kate Bornstein wrote that “…gender is not sane. It’s not sane to call a rainbow black and white.” Beautiful, right?

So remember, please, that you can be any color you like. Today, you might be red. Tomorrow, perhaps purple. And tonight, while I’m being Steve-O Bing, perhaps you’ll be someone too.

And you know what? Sometimes, I wear lipstick with my mustache.

Jake says I’m super-pretty that way.

–Lana Fox

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19 Comments

  1. Jillian Boyd
    May 3, 2016

    Thank you for writing this and delving into the evolution of you along with Jacob. It’s a brilliant insight.

    Jx

    Reply
    • lanafox
      May 4, 2016

      Jillian, thank you for your kind enthusiasm and praise! It means a great deal to me. :)

      Reply
  2. Kitt Crescendo
    May 4, 2016

    *hugs*

    What a bold and timely topic to write about, my friend. I can only imagine how tough all this is on you two. Isn’t it amazing how wonderful change can be for a relationship when the foundation of honesty, trust and communication are there? Not that it takes away fears or very real issues, but with trust and communication, you can bring them out into the open and talk through them together.

    So proud of you for sharing!

    Reply
    • lanafox
      May 4, 2016

      Kitt, how lovely of you! Thank you so much for your empathy, enthusiasm, support, and praise. They mean such a lot to me. And you’re so right – without the foundation of honesty, trust and communication, I’m sure it would all be much harder. I doubt I’ve have donned the mustache, for one!

      Much love and many hugs!

      Reply
  3. Mona Darling
    May 5, 2016

    Thank you for sharing Steve-O! I love to hear about people having fun with sex and transcending binary gender norms.

    Reply
    • lanafox
      May 5, 2016

      Thank you so much, Mona! Such a kind comment – it is wonderful to share with others who understand, and be received.

      Reply
  4. Christy
    May 5, 2016

    What fun! Thank you for sharing.

    Reply
    • lanafox
      May 6, 2016

      Thank you, Christy! I’m delighted to hear!

      Reply
  5. Pam Costa
    May 5, 2016

    What an incredible journey you are on. I feel blessed you are choosing to share it with the world, and am so happy to have this story to pass along to friends who are experiencing similar transitions. Keep up the storytelling. It’s inspiring!

    Reply
    • lanafox
      May 6, 2016

      Thank you so much, Pam, for your kind and gracious comment! How lovely of you. I’m touched that you’ll be passing the post on to others – that is wonderful to hear. :)

      Reply
  6. Aurora Jean Alexander
    May 7, 2016

    I do admire you for your great strength and your ability to play with your power and strength. Thank you for sharing your experiences! I could imagine this might help women being in a similar situation.
    You have my utmost respect!

    Reply
    • lanafox
      May 8, 2016

      What a kind comment. Thank you so much, Aurora Jean Alexander!

      Reply
  7. Kimberly
    May 9, 2016

    You are both so brave! I am sure your openness about where you are and love for each other will inspire and offer hope and possibilities to others moving through similar life changes!

    Reply
    • lanafox
      May 12, 2016

      Thank you so much, Kimberly! What lovely words. I truly appreciate it!

      Reply
  8. August McLaughlin
    May 10, 2016

    I’ve read this gorgeous post several times, Lana, and it is still giving me chills. Thanks so much for sharing your heart and story with BOAW! We are better because of you.

    Reply
    • lanafox
      May 12, 2016

      August, that means such a lot to me! Thank you so much — both for being such a beautiful, powerful supporter and friend, and for giving us all this wonderful opportunity to share our hearts together. Much love!

      Reply
  9. Beauty and Sexuality Quotes: A #BOAW16 Wrap-up - August McLaughlin
    May 12, 2016

    […] “So remember, please, that you can be any color you like. Today, you might be red. Tomorrow, perhaps purple. And tonight, while I’m being Steve-O Bing, perhaps you’ll be someone too.” — Lana Fox […]

    Reply
  10. Oleander Plume
    May 13, 2016

    This was beautiful and moving and left me kind of speechless.

    You’re both amazing!!!

    All the love,

    O

    xoxox

    Reply
    • lanafox
      May 13, 2016

      Thank you, beautiful Oleander! Your lovely comment made my day – love you! xoxoxo

      Reply

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