Um, Are We Talking About Women Here? Or Pots of Jam?

Hell there, everyone!  Thanks for tuning in.  It's a busy time, but I'm still going to be blogging this week as often as I can.

Today, I'm having a grumble.  A piece at Huffington Post entitled, "What Men Love About Fiftysomething Women" makes a whole host of assumptions.  The blogger actually spends time considering what a certain group of men might love when they flirt with a certain woman -- a real woman, no less, who has been mentioned by a friend on the internet.  Given the title of the piece, are we then to assume that this author believes all fiftysomething women are the same?  Rather like every jar of Welch's strawberry jam is the same?

This, my friends, is a load of hooey, isn't it. And the assumption that frizzy hair etc. wouldn't be physically attractive to others is zany.  Objectification, to say the least.  I mean, perhaps this woman is physically attractive to the men that flirt with her.  Yet her friend -- and the writer -- make assumptions, sticking to stereotypes and assuming the attraction has nothing to do with her looks.

What the post shows is that people who listen carefully and manage to make others feel special through their body language can, within context, be the centre of attention.  And men that have egos particularly enjoy this.

Is this news?  I certainly hope not.

Go Deeper Press: Fearless Erotica

Folks, the wonderful Angela Tavares and will be launching Go Deeper Press well before the year is out.  We'll be publishing fearless erotica in e-book form and we're excited.  We're still working on our website and store, but I want to let you know about our blog, which we will be updating every day with sexy quotes.

And of course, you can follow us on Twitter!  More soon...

Follow @GoDeeperPress

Miss Piggy with Anderson Cooper

Oh, it's too delicious not to post!  (Via gay.net with thanks).

Equality, Muppet Style

Now, I knew the Muppets were diversity-friendly, but this is a really fantastic turn-up for the books.  The company are opposing Chick-Fil-A, who are anti same-sex marriage, with strength and pride:

"The Jim Henson Company has celebrated and embraced diversity and inclusiveness for over fifty years and we have notified Chick-Fil-A that we do not wish to partner with them on any future endeavors. Lisa Henson, our CEO is personally a strong supporter of gay marriage and has directed us to donate the payment we received from Chick-Fil-A to GLAAD. (http://www.glaad.org/)" from Political Groove.

In the words of Miss Piggy, "There is the satisfaction of providing your public with a vision of true beautology, true sytlisity, - how can I put it? – true glamorositude."  (From MissPiggyFans.com). 

And that captures the Muppets' support of marriage equality in a nutshell, wouldn't you say?

Thanks to my beautiful Angela for the link. Via Political Groove with thanks.

Do Rapists Have Rights on Twitter?

Folks, it's been a busy time, but I'm back!  And considering what is going on in our world right now, it's about time too.

Today, my thoughts are with a Savannah Dietrich, a 17 year-old Kentucky girl who is facing a contempt charge for tweeting the names of her rapists in violation of a court order.  The guys concerned raped Dietrich, but she might get a jail sentence for mentioning them in a tweet.  "I'm not protecting anyone that made my life a living Hell," says Dietrich.

I couldn't agree more.  Let's send Dietrich light and love.

The F-Word for Beginners

I came across this wry little vid today and found it rather funny.  The F word comes up all over the screen, so it may be NSFW...depending on your workplace, of course...

Butt-Naked Sells

Thanks to Errica for this fun, naked video-ad!  (Via Ducky Doolittle's "Lipstick Stains On Your Pillow" with thanks).  Enjoy...

On Spectacles and Roses: Sex at the Library Hotel

The Love Room at the Library Hotel, NYC

This is the first in a series of reviews that look at sex-positive venues for rest and sexual enjoyment.

The humble local library, with all its strict taboos, has often been a place of sexual speculation.  Pinching the behind of a librarian in a pencil skirt and glasses—one who tells you, strictly, to keep the noise down—is still a popular fantasy.  But given today’s preponderence of e-books, and their future as an alternative to paper-bound volumes, will the library grow less attractive as a place for kanoodling?  If those born in the 21st century are rarely turning tactile pages, will both the book and its natural home—not to mention its place in the world of kink—become less sexy than ever before?

I certainly hope not.  And of course, libraries go hand in hand with sex education too.  For instance, the local library is an important place for our sex lives.  If you have no e-book reader and can’t afford to buy erotic anthologies, where do you go?  If you’re homeless and worried about your sexual health, where can you afford to find out more?  If you’re a young person whose family and school refuse to answer your questions about sex and gender, where can you sit and educate yourself?  The library, the library.  And may it always be so.

My partner and I just returned from a blissful vacation at the Library Hotel in New York.  As you might guess, the place is library-themed—a unique idea.  The room numbers are based on the Dewey Decimal system that has long been used for organizing libraries, and every room is given its own “category” (see example rooms here)…plus the shelves of books in every room fit the given theme.  There’s the Erotica Room, the Psychology Room, and, somewhat intriguingly, the Love Room.  I have never seen “Love” being used as a category in libraries, but I like the notion, so this is the room that we booked.  When we explored the titles on our shelves, we found “The Story of O,” “The Art of Kissing” and “The Bridges of Madison County.”  Interesting, ecclectic takes on love, don’t you think?  We also enjoyed the Erotica Package, when we first arrived—a collection of erotic goodies including red roses, a karma sutra book, a bottle of bubbly, and a box of luxurious Belgian chocolates.  (Though in the spirit of bad puns, if only I could say that the “erotica package” is a super-sexy dildo!).

Well, the Library Hotel turned out to be sexy as all heck, and for the library-savvy generations, it’s the perfect place for a romantic getaway.  We were greeted with charm and grace and the Love Room must surely be the most luxurious room.  Picture this:  A kingsize bed, a luxurious bathroom, a delightfully decorated room that was the size of a small palace.  Oh yes, and I mustn’t forget the peaceful, private balcony, where we sat and sipped wine as New York bustled away far below.  Also, at five every evening, the staff lay on cheese and wine for all the hotel guests…at no extra fee.

And you know, there is something exciting about having sex at the Library!  Interestingly, true to the hotel’s theme, my partner asked me to keep my glasses on…

Strong Enough to Wear the Cuffs? The Truth About Empowered Submission

Thank you so much to my dear friend, KL, for this article from the Bitch Magazine blog.  I don't agree with a lot of the opinions the blogger references, but this isn't new when it comes to such discussions.  This blogger is right that there is a wealth of anti-submissive talk amongst anti-BDSM feminists, largely because, IMO, they don't understand empowered submission.  (Also, because they often assume that submissives are women!).

Here's my take:  When a boxer steps into a ring, knowing they are about to be pummeled, they have chosen the pummeling -- or at least the risk of it.  Similarly, when a submissive enters a scene, they choose to.  And they also own the safe word.  In fact, they are in more control than the boxer, we might argue, because of the social pressure and the lack of a safe word.  The submissive chooses every moment of the scene, whereas the consensual dom is less likely to be in the driving seat.  But boxing it's a useful analogy for illustrating that empowered submission is not the "giving up" of anything.  It is the wielding of power in order to gain pleasure or triumph.  It is the intention of resilience and the strength of transforming pain into delight.

Imagine if we all transformed our pains into delights.  How much fear would we have?

As a switch, I can also attest that being a dominant can feel like a much riskier affair.  The thought that I might push my partner too far is a real fear; but my goodness, the closeness that such trust can bring is mindblowing.  All the more reason, however, to carefully construct and plan scenes beforehand if you don't know your chosen partner.  One-time BDSM is not something I've done in my life, so I can't really comment in detail on this.  But for me, I do feel that submission, when it is consensual, feels safer than domination.  No less enjoyable, however!  There are riches in both ways of being.

Sex at the Olympics

Today, I found a fascinating interview with London sex worker, Luca, who is fed up with the hype about sexual trafficking that so many are expecting at the Olympics.  Luca, who is part of the Stop the Arrests Campaign, argues that...

a) Very little is understood about what sexual trafficking actually encompasses.

b) Plus he predicts that there will be little abusive treatment of sex workers/sexually trafficked victims...and he gives good reasons for why he believes this.  (In fact, he himself is going on holiday during the Olympics because he thinks the sale of sex will be a lost cause).

A fascinating take.  Do give it a read.

Interview by Martin Childs.  Link via Tits and Sass.

The Playboy Diaries

Christina Hendricks: (Joan) from Mad Men

At the Morning News this morning, Jessica Francis Kane interviews her mother who used to work for Playboy as a secretary.  It's a lovely read.  Do check it out.  Here's the introduction:

For years I’ve known that my mother lived in New York City in the early 1960s and was a secretary before she married my father. Recently I was reminded that she’d worked at Playboy magazine. She said I knew this—how had I forgotten? This was Playboy at its peak, when it was an intellectual magazine as well as a pinup, when people really did subscribe to it for the articles. But it was also when the Playboy Clubs were ridiculously popular and Nora Ephron was told that “women don’t write at Newsweek.” I pictured my mom in a tight sweater typing away, wishing the world would change. Was this right? She agreed to an interview and the following conversation occurred by email over the course of several days.

Read more here!

Article via Feministing.

When It Comes to Condoms, Social Media Helps

From Good Magazine

Do take a look at this fascinating article by Christopher Purdy at GOOD Magazine, on how social media helps young people around the world to access and learn about condoms...especially in societies where sexual connection is more taboo.  A taster:

...Social media and internet platforms have made it easier for young people around the world to access information, overcome cultural barriers, and engage in discussions that often sell condoms more as a lifestyle accoutrement than a prophylactic device. This was driven home to me one day when I sat down at a restaurant in Jakarta and was amazed to see a teenage girl sitting with her parents and wearing a DKT “Fiesta” condom foil strung on a necklace. 

A fascinating read.

The Original High Heels

I've been researching the history of high-heeled shoes for a story I'm writing, and my goodness what a fascinating topic!  The following is taken from the Random History blog, which I recommend you visit for much, much more on the evolution of the high heel and how it gained such a sexy rep...

The formal invention of high heels as fashion is typically attributed to the rather short-statured Catherine de Medici (1519-1589). At the age of 14, Catherine de Medici was engaged to the powerful Duke of Orleans, later the King of France. She was small (not quite five feet) relative to the Duke and hardly considered a beauty. She felt insecure in the arranged marriage knowing she would be the Queen of the French Court and in competition with the Duke’s favorite (and significantly taller) mistress, Diane de Poitiers. Looking for a way to dazzle the French nation and compensate for her perceived lack of aesthetic appeal, she donned heels two inches high that gave her a more towering physique and an alluring sway when she walked. Her heels were a wild success and soon high heels were associated with privilege.

Thank you Catherine de Medici!  Many kinksters, myself included, are grateful for your inventiveness.

Some Piggy For You

Happy 4th of July, everyone.  And just to see things off to a good start, here's Miss Piggy talking about sex, relationships and fame...and packing a punch when it's needed.  Go, sister.

Sex is Ours

The first time I heard the word "orgasm" I was being bullied.  I was twelve at the time, attending a small girl's private school in the UK, and though my parents had talked to me about sex, all they'd said was, "Sex is how men and women make babies."  The words "penis" and "vagina" were used in such discussions.  I was also told that sex is always painful for the woman, and that a man must be "serviced" in order for him to stay in good health.  According to this advice, this "servicing" was a woman's responsibility.  Sex, apparently, was a chore--and a painful one at that.

Then came the day when I was being teased after school by a group of popular girls.  I can't remember what they said to me, but it was something to do with the word "orgasm."  I looked at them blankly and they picked up on the fact that I'd never heard this word.  "You don't know what an orgasm is!" they chorused, in fits of laughter, and pretty soon the whole school knew.  Already, I was the square girl, the ugly girl, the girl who was good at schoolwork and not much else; but now I was also the girl who knew nothing about sex. 

Given how confusing I'd found every mere mention of sex, I simply concluded that sex would never be mine.

As it happens, I first had sex at the age of seventeen and it was a painful experience.  Frankly, I wasn't ready, but I'd been told that you lose a man unless you sleep with him.  At the same time, I'd been told you didn't do that before marriage.  But given my low self-esteem, I concluded that I'd lose a lover before I married them anyway...and sex might be a way to hold onto their love.  In fact, though I was with a very loving partner, sex was a painful experience with very little pleasure -- such is the cost of believing that orgasms just aren't yours.

It actually took me until my early thirties to become sexually healthy, and it was around the same time that I started to acknowledge that my fantasies tended to revolve around women.  But of course, the first thing I'd ever learned about sex was that it was unpleasant, so why would I think my sexual pleasure counted?  And as for sexual climax, no one had handed me the word "orgasm" as if it was mine. 

Earlier this year, I posted at the Boston Daily about sex education and condoms for twelve year olds.  These days, twelve year olds are having sex.  We simply have to deal with it.  And it doesn't mean they're having painful, dissociated sex...although many of them may well be.  Such is the power of peer-pressure and "giving in" before we're really ready.  But of course, the adults who do talk positively to twelve year olds...and much younger children too...are often afraid to tell others about their philosophy and methods.  And this is totally understandable, given how we're socially silenced via shame.

Today, I came across a terrific post on the topic at the Our Bodies, Ourselves blog (Our Bodies, Our Blog).  Here, Annie Brewster shares how she talks with her own kids about sex, and she's full of wisdom on the matter.  In fact, she--like myself--is all for talking about sex with kids when they are young and I couldn't agree with her more.  After all, I know that those girls who bullied me when I was twelve also knew little about sex.  Knowing the word "orgasm" (like knowing the word "vagina") doesn't mean much unless you understand that there is something profound and beautiful behind it.  And considering we're seeing so much queer-bashing right now, it's worth mentioning that the same thing goes for the words "gay" and "queer."  Let's teach our kids that these words are beautiful and can absolutely be theirs.

An excerpt from Brewster's post:

Sex is everywhere in our society, and kids are going to hear about it one way or another, either from friends or from the media. Isn’t it better for us, as parents, to help them make sense of what they are hearing? Frankly, I am much more comfortable talking about sperm and egg, penis and vagina with my five-year-old than I am hearing her parrot the pop song “I’m Sexy and I Know it,” after listening to the radio with her teenage sisters in the car. Disturbing images of “Toddlers in Tiaras” come to mind.

Do take a look.  We need to support parents who are sex-positive and caring, in spite of the shame that our society often uses to control us all.

BDSM: Very Nice, Thank You

Thanks to Errica for letting me know about a new spin off of Fifty Shades of Grey.  50 Ways to Play apparently offers exactly what it says on the cover: 50 sample adventures that you and your partner can sample in your own home.  A fun idea...but I can't comment fully because I haven't yet read the book.  That said, the subtitle of "BDSM for Nice People" raises my hackles a little.  I have found that folks who are into BDSM are usually nice...overwhelmingly nice...and the implication that nice people need a special introduction to BDSM irks me somewhat.  Thankfully, I can put up with this for some fun, sex-positive, educational material.  So.  My questions thus far:  Will the book be heterocentric?  Or will it be blissfully inclusive of everyone?  I must get reading to find out...