All Poofs Together

Pic by Chloe Poizat via the NYT

Thank you to beautiful Angela for showing me this link to a recent New York Times article by Richard M. Ryan and William S. Ryan.  It discusses the recent study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology -- this is the one that supports the link between homophobia and repressed gay desires.

Well, from now on, any time anyone says, "Being queer is bad," I have the opportunity to reply, "You, dear sir or madam, sound like a bit of a poof yourself.  So from one poof to another, welcome aboard."

The black eye will be worth it.

Allure's Naked Celebrities Get Real?

Picasso's 'Women Running on the Beach'

I saw Allure's naked celebrity spread this week, and frankly it pissed me off.  Read why at Boston Magazine's Boston Daily today.

Which Color Frosting is Intersex?

Via the New Yorker

Many thanks to Kaitlyn for this New Yorker article on a new trend: Gender-Reveal Parties.  Apparently, the guests of a pregnant parent (or parents) know whether the kid-to-be will be a girl or a boy based on the color of the frosting inside their cupcakes. 

Holy smoke.

Apart from the obvious narcissism here (I agree with the New Yorker), what an erroneous binary this is.  Naturally, lots of people are between genders and/or between sex...and we have a horrible habit of forcing the binary.  Here's Rikki Wilkins in Genderqueer:

“…I am speaking, of course, of intersexed infants. Such children, who are not clearly male or female, occur in about one in every 2000 births. Because anything that is not male or female is not a true sex, we pronounce them ‘abnormal,’ fit them legally into male or female, and fit them physically into boy or girl by cutting them up at a rate of about five a day. Thus are ‘natural’ males and females maintained…”

Try and find frosting for that.

Actually, no, don't.

Grandma's Sex Advice

From Nerve.com

When she was in her early twenties, Nerve.com reader, Alison Denisco, received a letter from her grandmother.  It contained some very direct sex advice.  In my opinion, some of it is sound and some of it is not.  (For instance, "premature" ejaculation is a phrase that suggests there is a "right" and "wrong" time to climax.  But why?  And for whom?  The phrase is also commonly used to describe male ejaculation...but surely all partners are equally responsible for the timing of orgasms, regardless of the kind of sex organs they possess.  And we don't want to be sexist about responsibilities and biology, right?  And why can't we all come when we want to?  And why can't sexual partners find other ways for one of them to achieve climax when their partner comes before they do?).

Anyhoo, I like this letter because it involves a grandmother talking to her granddaughter, candidly, about sex.  And that's loving stuff.  Frankly, seniors often have lots of valuable sexual experience.  If only we'd ask them to share it more often.

Why Sharon Needles Rocks My Boat

RuPaul announced on her Drag Race last night that she is leaving the final decision on the winner to the fans themselves.  Folks have been voting all over Twitter, and Sharon Needles, it seems, might well win the crown.  If she does, I couldn't be happier.

For those who don't know Sharon or her drag, she's all about the dark side.  With horror-driven images that are both sexy and rebellious, she shows us a kind of drag that thinks outside the box.  Why should drag always be trad?  While I love trad drag, it's such a creative art form -- and, for many, a lifestyle -- that expressing the Shadow Side also feels like a natural fit.  And Sharon does it beautifully, with a kind of wry freshness that often provides social commentary.  Once, her use of a plastic surgery bandage across her face, for instance, spoke, in my mind, to the horrors we inflict on ourselves in the name of beauty.  (That's not to say that I criticize all plastic surgery, by the way...but that's another post).

By the by, Sharon's performances always make me think of Tim Burton's Corpse Bride.  (If you haven't seen the film, it's a beautiful, puppet-driven horror story with real heart -- no pun intended, snort).  Let's face it, the creepy can be both vulnerable and erotic, and it takes real guts to express this.  So go Sharon Needles!  I salute you.

Thank You, Gala!

With thanks to beautiful Errica for sending me the link!

Also, if you are suffering from "radical self-loathing" please check out Hello Cruel World -- a beautiful, down-to-earth, non-judgmental self-help book by Kate Bornstein.  (And with regard to Gala's talk, I'll also remind us that heterosexist views of what constitutes "an attractive woman" aren't what everyone wants, regardless of sexual orientation.  I, for one, am queer, and I don't lust after supermodels at all).

Feminist Porn Awards Winners!

Congratulations to the Feminist Porn Awards Winners, who include Buck Angel, Tristan Taormino and Courtney Trouble!  And thanks to Miss Naughty for giving us the list.  (Via tinynibbles).

Stacie Halas Was Once in a Porn Flick

Pic via HuffPost

One of the many things that bothers me about this story at HuffPost today, in which yet another high school teacher has been fired for having performed in porn, is that when the students fanned the flames of this gossip, the staff acted in a similarly immature way.  But yes, of course people have sex on screen.  Stacie Halas, the teacher in question, did so before she even got her current position.  Indeed, if you went through the lives of all the staff who'd ever worked at this LA school, I'd be surprised if there weren't several folks who'd had sex on screen.  And apparently, the porn in question was so hard to dig up (because of the school's protective internet wall) that everyone had to scramble around until they found proof.

As someone who, many years ago, used to be a high school teacher, I can safely say that students often try to create problems for teachers by moaning, bitching, gossiping -- it's a standard attention-seeking tactic, which, in my opinion, should be dealt with as such.  If only someone had sat the students down and said, "Stalking other people's sex lives isn't healthy, and if you take it too far, it can become a crime," that would have been an important lesson. And "If you don't want to look at porn, don't look at porn," would be another.

To show how grossly unfair this is, has anyone complained that a member of staff at this school used to smoke weed?  If so, was that teacher targeted in this way?  Somehow I doubt it.

Seniors Do It Too

A wonderful writer-friend once critiqued a story of mine about two older women who were having a sexual relationship.  She was horrified.  "But they're over seventy!" she gasped.  "People over seventy don't have sex."  When I told her they surely do, with partners that are both young and old, my friend could barely look me in the eye.

But seniors do have sex.  And it can be fabulous sex.  It's just our ageist attitudes that lead us to think otherwise.  I remember Betty Dodson on In Bed with Susie Bright explaining that we need to keep our sexual fires stoked (if you will) as we grow older, by fantasizing and having solo sex, so that we can enjoy sex when we are older.  Nice advice, Betty!  Meanwhile, Safer Sex for Seniors is spreading the word that safe sex, with barrier contraception, is important.  Bravo!

And do watch their gorgeous little vid below.

Women Who Knit Uteri Are Very, Very Serious

I heard about the Snatchel Project via the Savage Love podcast.  What can you do to join them?  Knit a uterus and send it to your local rep. in congress.  The project's slogan?  "If they have their own, they can leave ours alone."

Never has there been such a good reason to knit a womb.

Fantastic!

Spiritual Sexuality (Or Stocking-Tops, Baby)

Last night, I blogged about a recent, sexy trip to Provincetown, at Follow the Signs Like Alice.  In this post, I look at the importance of sexual spirituality and how it can both challenge and liberate us. 

I also reveal my stocking-tops in a nice, open, kinda saucy manner...

Less Prudery, More Peace

As so many of us know, sexual prudery does not pay off.  So, here's some evidence from Alternet writer Alex Henderson.  Henderson looks at 5 other countries that treat sex and sexual openness in a way that the far right would so often say was morally destructive.  And of course, such countries are doing better than we are!  Here's an excerpt that uses the Netherlands as an example:

From comprehensive sex education to legal prostitution (Amsterdam has one of Europe’s most famous red light districts) to nude and topless beaches, the Netherlands is a social conservative’s worst nightmare. On top of that, the Netherlands was the first country in the world to legalize gay marriage (the Netherlands legalized same-sex civil unions in 1998 and gay marriage in 2001). But while Rick Santorum would no doubt view Amsterdam and Rotterdam as a modern-day Sodom and Gomorrah, the reality is that all that sexual openness is having positive results in the Netherlands. 

A great piece.  Highly recommended.

Also, if you're an erotica reader based in the UK, new Harper Collins imprint, Mischief, are both knocking down prices and giving their books away -- but only for a limited period.  Brit erotica readers, do check this out!

Write Sex

Thomas Roche writes about erotic writing at a Write Sex, where he focuses on using touch in our work.  A nice piece.  Do check it out.

I am in Provincetown and have been browsing the sex stores with my girlfriend.  We've spent a lot, but I'll be giving you guys some great reviews soon.

Perfect Sense

Today, I want to recommend a new post by wondrous Attorney Samuel Goldberg (Boston) about why we need to legalize prostitution.  A taster:

"What we are accomplishing [by keeping prostitution illegal] is regulating what someone, usually a woman, may or may not do with her own body. I thought we agreed we cannot do that. Further, what we have set up is the necessity of their doing it, which they will, under the protection of the black market and pimps. Labeling the whole operation as “criminal” we make the unfortunate results inevitable."

Makes perfect sense, right?

Some People Enjoy Being Prostitutes

Thanks to Kitty Stryker, a sex worker and feminist, for this super piece, "Some People Enjoy Being Prostitutes...Get Over It!" at Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance.  Here's an excerpt:

"I need to put food on the table. If I want to be able to improve my life and quality of living, I need to make moola. I choose to do sex work, where I set my price and hours and vacation time myself (particularly in the U.S., where we have one of the lowest vacation time minimums in the Western world). I say, “This is what an hour of my time is worth to me,” and if a person disagrees, they call someone else. That’s OK. It narrows down whom I see into a bunch of folks who appreciate me in ways I would never be appreciated in the office cubicle world. And I have the control. I get to decide how I want to budget, whom I see and when, whom to be polite to, and whom to decline.

"I didn’t have that right when I was an admin."

And the piece just keeps getting better.  Enjoy!

See No Porn, Hear No Porn, Speak No Porn?

In a world where couples divorce because one of them is having sex with a Second Life avatar, definitions of both sex and infidelity are woolier than ever.  Those who are interested in what counts as "having sex" should look at Greta Christina's wonderful essay "Are We Having Sex Now or What?"  I've linked to it before on this blog, and it's philosophically apt and true to the bone.

Which brings me to this:  When I read that porn site Naughty America and infidelity-focused dating site AshleyMadison.com are joining forces*, I thought, Well, this is going to pose the question, once again, at to whether porn-viewing is an infidelity.  I don't see it this way.  (In fact, I think porn and erotica play important roles).  But others might.  So we should always check with the loved-one involved.

Still, it's an interesting association between these two companies.  After all, branding and marketing can affect our definitions, so I hope our society won't start assuming that whenever someone is watching porn they're cheating on their partner.  But in this strange political landscape in which a woman is publicly slut-shamed for taking the Pill, god only knows what's next...

*Via Violet Blue, with thanks.

Are Your Condoms as Precious as Your iPhone?

Photo via Huffington Post

Introducing the iPhone Condom Case!  Well, why not.  HuffPost says, "The only thing more embarrassing than the pronounced circle in your wallet where a condom is? Having people find out you bought an iPhone case strictly for storing condoms."  But I'd like to think that the sex-positive world would give a healthy thumbs-up to anyone carrying good, safe contraception.  Also, I'd think a condom is less likely to randomly pierce or tear if kept in a case.  And what is more precious?  Safe sex or handy gadgets?  I'll go with safe sex, but why not shoot two birds with one stone while we're storing 'em all, yes.

Slave or Slut

In a quiet Boston hotel room, a woman is crying.  If I just said she was a prostitute, some readers would probably guess that she's been exploited, as is too often the case.  But this woman is crying because she chooses sex work.  She might choose it because she loves sex and believes in its power and beauty.  Or perhaps it's because she's pretty and smart, and the money is good.  Maybe, in fact, she chooses the work because she has two children to support.  Then again, perhaps she's hungry, and this is how she'll feed herself.  Given our current health system, she might even be in massive debt because of her partner's recent stroke.  But truly, in this instance, the woman is crying because she chooses prostitution, yet society keeps telling her she's either a slut or a slave.

Now I'm going to give you the link to a New York Times article on sexual trafficking (thanks to A for the link).  Its contents tragic and I'm not throwing its' accuracy into question.  But as we read the piece, I wish our society would remember...not all sex work is exploitation.  In the article, one woman who was trafficked tells us, “For me, life is finished...  I will never forget that I have done this."  I think she might feel a little less ashamed (no less traumatized, I'm guessing, but less shameful) if our world did not slut-shame.

Knowing the power of sex, I am sure that prostitutes have saved lives because of the connection and enjoyment they bring.  I am also sure that sex work, when it is consensual, sometimes saves the lives of the women who choose it. 

When all are consenting, there should be no shame.  But when our country is filled with inequality and offers so few safety nets, I certainly feel ashamed.

So thank you, dear readers, for being proudly sex-positive.  

Because every day, shame wrecks lives.

I wrote this post because I am currently writing a feature on Boston sex work.  In my interviews with sex workers who choose to sell sexual services, all I hear is proud people with hearts of gold who feel desperately undervalued and misunderstood.

Rape Jokes Really Aren't Funny At All

That person at the bar -- the one who's telling the rape joke -- their humor is more dangerous than they know. 

This is a damaging new trend and we need to defend against it.  Read more in my post today at the Boston Daily.

Not a Pube in Sight

D'you remember the nation's shock over the American Apparel "pubes" advert?  (As usual, look to Bitch for a smart response).  Well, according to a HuffPost arts blogger, Jane Chafin, John Singer Sargent's painting of Amelie Gautreau in the 1870's led to scandal because of "his depiction of a strap dangling off Madame Gautreau's bare white shoulder" and the appearance of her "decollage".  Oh, the outrage!

If only these shocked Victorians had seen Madge of Honor's burlesque "Sexy Bitch" at the Femme Show, last year.  Madge played a "daring Victorian lady" who slowly rolled down her gloves and lifted the hems of several layers of petticoat to show us a (scandalous!) flash of her ankles and wrists at the climactic moments. 

And rest assured, there was not a pube in sight.

The 21st Century Woman-Boss

Firstly today, do check out this lovely, snarky letter at McSweeney's:  "An Open Letter to the Tiny White Man the Republican Party Has Sent to Live in My Underpants."  Via tinynibbles.  Genius.

Also, thank you to the wonderful KJ for sending me Slate's gallery of "Sex and the Office: Evolving Depictions of Working Women."  Do check this out -- the cartoons and pics are a lot of fun.  But what are our stereotypes of "women in the office" today?  Picking up on the theme of this Slate gallery, the stereotype of the female secretary does still remain, and of course, given our social history of "women serving or helping men" this isn't surprising.  Grrr.  (And I know that many men are restricted by that stereotype too).  But things are changing.

So on the left, you'll find a nice depiction of a 21st century woman-boss.  She might well have a male secretary.  She might well have a female secretary.  My guess is that she has several secretaries of differing genders and identities.  These secretaries (or administrative assistants? my job-title knowledge is clueless) may even keep the whole company going, because we're beginning to understand that pay and job title have little to do with the importance of the work.  This woman-boss knows this, I think.

And sometimes, she wears flats instead of heels.

Our Very Own National Boob Day

Well, it looks like I missed National Cleavage Day on March 30th.  (See a great post on tinynibbles by Thomas Roche for more info and thoughts about the holiday itself).  But I did talk with my girlfriend on the subject of breasts!  Why oh why, we pondered, are small breasts so overlooked?  Back when I was at university, a friend of mine was a 32AAA cup (if I remember rightly), and my gosh, she was ludicrously sexy.  She could wear these little, strappy tops with nothing underneath, and you could often see the shapes of her nipples beneath the fabric.  Did she have cleavage?  Technically, no.  Did she have beautiful breasts?  Yes, yes, yes.  After all, there are as many breast-types in the world as there are opinions on the matter.

National Cleavage Day, I note, appears to be the brainchild of Wonderbra.  Now, let's remember, Wonderbra are biased.  So it's up to the rest of us to say that while cleavage can be fun as heck, so can smallness.

Well, thanks to the current explosion of porn and erotica, we are no longer restricted to certain body types on erotic film.  And this is why I give a big shout-out to Crashpad, who celebrate a rich array of shapes and sizes.

All considered, I vote we have a National Boob Day, too.  And we'll include all kinds of boobs, including small, big, round, flat, soft, firm, and delicate.  Women with breasts, men with breasts, and all who are between genders.  And breast suits too, for folks who want to wear a pair!

Let's sport our breasts with pride.