The Naked Truth, No. 2

Today's Naked Truth comes from Staci Haines.  Her subject?  Sexual healing for those who have suffered sexual abuse and trauma.  As you'll see, Staci is a heartfelt, emblazoned, intelligent writer and human being:

'Whatever you did to survive sexual abuse, to be able to go on, is powerful.  If avoiding sex helped you to stay safe, that's okay.  If you had sex when and with people you did not want, that's okay.  Nurture both self-compassion for your past choices and responsibility for taking care of yourself now.'

'Many therapeutic models still pathologize sexual aversion and compulsion as types of "dysfunction."  This framework says that something is "wrong" with you, instead of seeing your sexual strategies as creative means of survival.  Whether you've leaned towards sexual avoidance or sexual compulsion, you've done whatever you needed to do to survive.  These choices were intelligent at the time.  They were survival-smart.  Congratulate yourself.'

-Staci Haines in The Survivor's Guide to Sex now published as Healing Sex.

Tweet

The Sexual Butterfly

Well, at the end of a week in which communities have been courageously protesting and Obama has been defending same sex marriage, it's been both an inspiring and moving time.  In fact, I was recently talking to some close mates about defending what we believe in.  "It's been too long since I carried a banner," I said.  They replied that there were many types of activism, and, though carrying a banner is a powerful way of fighting, it isn't the only way.  The fights need to happen on a daily level too, in how we live our lives and the people, groups and truths we stand up for.  Even as my friends were saying this, I was thinking yes.  That's why, every time we speak out about sexual politics, we're activists.

In my journal, I started scribbling about the fights I've fought this month on a very small level -- those little whispers that have the potential to change us.  I have spoken to friends who have binary notions of sexuality and gender, reminding them of the transgender community and the queer community as a whole (of which I, as a bisexual, am a very clear part).  I have announced my pen name to a room of people I didn't know at the time, speaking out about my belief in solo sex.  And that's just for starters.

What we need to remember when we feel insignificant is just how powerful we are.  It is easy in a world full of prejudice and disapproval to believe that our attempts are worthless, but as Philip Merilees once famously announced, the flap of a butterfly's wings in Brazil can set off a tornado in Texas.

Naturally I'm not saying we shouldn't take to the streets.  (God no.  This week has been moving, humbling).  I'm not even saying I'm doing enough.  But I'm doing, that's the thing.

And I'll bet you are, too.


Tweet

Lady Porn Day: Secretary, Spankings & Very Happy Endings

And to finish off Lady Porn Day in style, here's a post from me at Good Vibrations.

Sweet sexy dreams, all.

Hurrah For Lady Porn Day!

Thanks so much to Rachel Rabbit White for making this Lady Porn Day!  I will be contributing a celebratory article later today at the Good Vibrations Magazine, but for now, I want to consider what talking about porn means both personally and socially.  This came up yesterday when supertalented journalist Sam Cunningham interviewed me about my life as an erotic writer and sex activist. I explained that some seem to view me as sexually up-for-anything simply because I talk passionately about sex, erotica and explicit film.  As Betty Dodson says in the excerpt I quoted yesterday, many folks are afraid of a sexually independent woman who talks about sex.  To deal with this, they label her a whore.  Here's what Staci Haines has to say about that:

"Most of us are familiar with the model of women's sexuality that permits us to be either virgins or whores.  As women, we are not supposed to like sex, much less be fully expressed sexually on our own terms.  (Quite a radical thought, huh?)  A sexually expressed woman is considered a whore.  Yet while we are not supposed to relish our own pleasures, we are supposed to be compelling sexual creatures, satisfying our partners.  We are constantly acknowledged or disregarded in relation to our sexual desirability.  This is quite a contradictory message."  Staci Haines in the Survivor's Guide to Sex.

Staci goes on to show what a ludicrous notion the virgin-whore concept is.  I will add that I think this is a bigger problem in heterosexually dominated environments -- virgin-whore is a very heteronormative notion in terms of its assumptions about sexuality, gender and power.  But yes, she's right, it really does exist, and often when we talk about erotica and porn we're viewed through that ludicrous lens.

So I vote for rebelling!  Let's talk about porn!  Now!  Yes, I'm pro-porn.  And no, explicit films don't always rock my boat, but some really do, and erotic literature gives me one hell of a buzz.  Currently, I'm ensconced in Justine Elyot's The Business of Pleasure, which is a wonderfully honest and vivid account of a woman who is learning to own and fulfil her richly imaginative fantasies without feeling ashamed.  It's an engrossing, sexy read, full of transformative moments.

So what rocks your boat sexually?  What images fill your head?  Those stories, visions and imaginings are a creative part of all of us, and if we learn to accept that, rather than putting up barriers, I believe we'll become more loving, tolerant and humane beings.  Because sex is important, and shame embitters, and dissatisfaction can turn slowly sour.

So if you are owning your fantasies and attempting to conquer shame, I raise my glass to you.  Bravo, bon chance and thank you.  Bring on the love.

Tweet

The Naked Truth, No. 1

The week after Valentine's seems like a good time to begin sharing the messages of great sex writers who truly have something to say.  Over the next month, I hope to bring you pearls of wisdom from well-known and lesser-known voices in the field of sex education, sex activism and the erotic arts.  Our first topic?  Solo sex.  And of course, who better to start with than Betty Dodson, the feminist sexologist who published the groundbreaking Sex for One, back in the 1980's.  The book is still popular today -- in fact, I'm re-reading it as we speak.  It's a wonderful work that has changed the lives of millions.  I turn to it for comfort, wisdom and inspiration:

'Seeking sexual satisfaction is a basic desire, and masturbation is our first natural sexual activity.  It's the way we discover our eroticism, the way we learn to respond sexually, the way we learn to love ourselves and to build self-esteem.  Sexual skill and the ability to respond are not "natural" in our society.  "Doing what comes naturally," is to be sexually inhibited.  Sex, like any other skill, has to be learned and practiced.  When a woman masturbates, she learns to like her own genitals, to enjoy her orgasms, and furthermore, to become proficient in sex.  But some people are made very uncomfortable by the idea of a sexually proficient and independent woman.'

From Sex for One, by Betty Dodson (page 36)

Isn't she amazing?  What wisdom and heart.  Betty, flowers your way.

Tweet

Real People Who Moan During Sex

Many thanks to Mind Hacks (via Violet Blue) for commenting on a recent study reported in The Archives of Sexual Behavior.  Yes, folks, the research suggests that during heterosexual sex women often groan in order to influence their male partner's sexual response (e.g. cueing his climax more quickly).  Strategy!  Crafting!  Sex as art!  I always said my moans were important, baby.  And if you're interested, Violet also points us to another fascinating study on the topic.  A different slant this time.  Quite intriguing stuff.

While we're on the subject of moaning, is there anything more glorious?  When I was first developing the art of writing sex scenes my instructor (who was wonderful, I might add) suggested that real people don't moan during sex.  Am I alone here folks?  I love a good moan.  I mean, must we be quiet all the time?  Perhaps we should start National Give-a-Moan Day when all of us, whether solo or partnered, bellow our pleasure with genuine gusto.  Imagine.  We might cause an earthquake.  None of this prim wheezing, m'dear.  Enter the spirit.  Bravo.

I'm also a fan of moaning when eating chocolate dessert.  But that's another topic.

Or is it?

My editor-mate just reminded me that I can't write about moaning without pointing you towards that scene from When Harry Met Sally.  And how right he is.


Tweet

Ways of Being Blissfully Alone on Valentine's Day

This article was originally posted at the Good Vibrations Magazine as "Ways to Celebrate Go Fuck Yourself Day," but I am re-posting it here with a couple of tiny changes, which I made partly because I was away from my computer yesterday (on Go Fuck Yourself Day*) and didn't have time to blog, and partly because Valentine's Day is just as good a time to celebrate self-loving.  Enjoy.

Regardless of whether you have a hot date on Valentine’s Night, I hope you'll remember to romance yourself at some point during February. After all, erotic loving isn't just about partnered sex. During a conversation about the importance of solo sex, my dear friend KL Pereira suggested we name February 13th Go Fuck Yourself Day.  Wow, what brilliance.  Though of course, you can seduce yourself any day of the year!  And why not make it Valentine's Day itself?  Self-loving can be wonderful, enhancing our mood while helping us savour -- and it's about time we started announcing that more freely. Below you'lll find a few possibilities for dating and/or seducing ourselves in erotic, sensual and fun ways:

Flirt with Yourself! One of the reasons dates can be exciting is because of all the anticipation and on a date with yourself this is just as important.  Prepare by investing in erotic luxuries you don't plan to use in advance, and make sure your choices speak to touch, scent and/or sound as well as looks. Example gifts for yourself include an erotic novel you want to read, a new sex toy, some special bubble bath, new lingerie or underwear, some music you love, a hot film, some delicious new lube.  Collecting such items is part of your flirtatious build-up to the night in question. (I like: The Fancy Me Sampler Kit).

Plan Ahead! To make this a wonderful evening, give it some thought beforehand.  You can book yourself a table at a relaxed eating-place (yes you can book a table for one!) or sit at the bar and enjoy a more casual experience.  Sometimes, going to a new pub or restaurant can be a lovely way of giving yourself some space.  I tend to order myself a glass of wine and take a book I've been itching to read, plus I put special music on my iPod.  Of course, if eating out doesn't feel right, you don't have to do so!  You can order take-out, cook for yourself, watch the game, or go to the cinema.  Don't worry if it takes time to find your ideal self-date -- planning to wait until you're ready is a good way of planning!  (I like: Anne Rice's erotic novel: The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty).

Set the Stage! Think about ways to make your home seductive on the big night, and remember -- this is an erotic date, so plan for the solo seduction!  Lay that new leather number on the bed, ready and waiting, or place your seductive lube right next to your new sex toy.  Personally, I love to come home to a box of chocolates next to the bed along with a scented candle. (Don't forget the matches!). As you dress on the night itself, spend quality time with yourself.  If preening makes you feel good, do lots of it. (I like: Lake Champlain 5 Star Bars).

On your Date! Enjoy your own company. This is all part of the great romance. Later, you╒ll take yourself home/to your chosen venue, and bed yourself, so tap the you you'd love to make love to (or the screw the heck out of), enjoying the sexy build-up.  If you're staying in, it can be great to create a special mood using scents and textures.  If you go out alone, you might be surprised how many people will be inspired by your solo presence -- though of course, this is all about you and you alone. What if you're not comfortable on the date you've chosen?  No big deal.  One of the great attributes of a wonderful night out is being flexible and spontaneous.  Remember the erotic film you stashed away for later tonight?  Well, it's there waiting.  (I like: Ambiance Massage Candles).

The Seduction! Back in bed, bath, or on the couch, or wherever you end up, get ready to make love to yourself. This may mean some scented lotion or a set of new sheets or perhaps it involves rolling around in bed for as long as you damn well wish. Read erotica or watch porn, light those candles, play that music. Want to tie yourself up? You only need one handcuff! Fancy being blindfolded? Feed yourself strawberries! You may find it all hilarious. Laughter is often a big part of seduction!  Some of the best sex is giggly and liberated and fun.  (I like: TCB Waterproof Bullet Vibrator).

Afterplay Counts! Don't stint.  I enjoy wrapping myself up in bed while watching one of my favourite films, writing in my sex journal, or simply cuddling my bear (I love my bear) as I fall asleep. Chocolate is often involved. Mind you, when isn't it? (I like: Susie Bright's Love & Lust Sex Journal).

Oh, and by the by, if you're on a budget, you can still have a great time. Shards of dark chocolate in front of a seductive movie is one of my favorite romantic evenings, as is writing in a sex journal (or even creating a sex journal!) or a warm bath by candlelight with a free erotic read.  In fact, if you want some new erotica, you're on the right site.  Why not browse through some online stories? There are so many gems -- maybe check out the stories at the Good Vibrations Magazine, or those at Erotica For All. And if you feel like writing some hot romance for yourself, try taking an online erotic writing or romance writing course such as those at the brilliant Basement Writers Workshop.

By the by, I'd love to hear about any of your special self-dates and self-seductions, anonymously or otherwise.  Enjoy!

Hearts and flowers,

Lana

*No, sadly, I didn't spend the whole day fucking myself.  But I did write, teach and talk about books and that exercises a different (but just as important) set of muscles, right?


Tweet

We Heart Heroes

Pic by Fecuop via Wikimedia
Commons

I have a new Hot Topic up at the Nervous Breakdown.  This time, we send heart-shaped boxes to sexy heroes.  Well, who wouldn't?

Tweet

Me and Anais at Erotica For All

I am thrilled to be a guest blogger at Erotica For All this week.  Do check out my post on Anais Nin and how she helped me shed my guilt about erotic writing.  The piece contains an excerpt from some of the most staggeringly courageous sex writing ever penned.

For those who are new to the site, Erotica For All is the brainchild of Lucy Felthouse, a brilliant writer who truly understands the importance of erotic stories.  When you visit, you'll find a wonderful community of authors and readers, along with blog posts on erotica and lots of sizzling free reads.  If you're impressed with the site's design (why wouldn't you be?) you'll be pleased to hear that Lucy offers web design herself...find out more here.

P.S. By the way, thanks to the Erotica For All community, Margery C. Kempe and I just found each other.  Margery is a novelist at Noble Romance and has written a wonderful (strikingly similar) post on how Anais Nin transformed her own writerly life.  Do have a read.

Tweet

Celebrate Your Solo Sex Life, in Style

Photo: Iryna Stevens

We are making February 13th a new celebration of solo love.  Yes, seriously.  Read my latest post at Good Vibrations to find out more.











Tweet

Lana on "In Bed"

This week, I am interviewed on In Bed with Susie Bright (both the write-up and episode are available here at Audible).  If you're not a regular subscriber, it looks like you can still buy the episode.  Explicit content: you have to be an adult guys, or I ain't opening up. ;)

Oh and you can also find extra info at Susie's Extra Pillows site.


Tweet

Design Your Own Sex Toy - LoveHoney UK

In my new role as toy reviewer (no seriously...watch this space) I have my eyes peeled for inventive little accessories.  So though I'm by no means a natural engineer, this contest by LoveHoney UK caught my attention.  If you've a brilliant spatial and sexual imagination, maybe give it a whirl?

By the by, I'm going to be on In Bed With Susie Bright at some point this week.  If you're not a subscriber, you won't hear me talking about miniature vibrators that are far more satisfying than big ones, and dishing out the dirt from the depths of my psyche.

That's it for tonight, I'm afraid.  I'm a touch on the ill side and am off to bed with my teddy bear, no sex toys involved.

Postscript:  Take a look at this post at thegloss.com about what you can learn from writers of erotica.


Tweet